Version for the BDSM bisexuals weekend in Birmingham, February 2013.
Draft 6 Feb - not final!
[Note: Explanations shown like this are to give details or clarify the purpose of various bits, for the leaders' information. Anything in square brackets is a note for the leaders, rather than something for the leaders to say to the participants.]
[Paper, stickers and pens as they come in.
Count number of people in the room to predict how division into 3s will work.]
- mostly in small groups and I'll give questions for you to talk about amongst yourselves
- some writing which we'll then put up on the wall
[close session at this point - don't want people coming in after ground rules]
- Usual ones about confidentiality and speaking for yourself. We're going to add 3:
- Any questions about ground rules?
- two or three roles or identities or interests you have or facets of your life. Or only one if you only want to do one.
- When we say "identity", we don't just mean the sexuality ones. We mean any word or label that you use to describe yourself, or to describe your history, or a community that you belong to.
- We're only going to go round once, and after that you'll be getting into your small groups. So if you specially want to hook up with people you have something in particular in common with, like for instance meeting other parents or other Christians or other ex-Lesbians, then you might want to advertise that facet of yourself. But otherwise you can just choose anything.
- could be based on a work role or a family role, like doctor or bus driver or parent of teenagers
- could be based on history, for example ex-bus driver
- could be based on an interest you have like cycling, or knitting, or writing, or playing music, or listening to music
- could be based on political or religious beliefs, or nationality
- could be based on sexuality or gender (inc bi if you id as bi, or a bdsm identity)
- favourite kind of food.
- could be anything you like.
[a lot of blurb here, but this is partly to give them time to think and time to settle in while you're talking]
- As you're thinking about identities and roles, notice how comfortable or uncomfortable you are with outing yourself "as that" in this group. You might think "Oh, don't say that one, say another one!" Like, what are the identities that are easy to claim here.
[this sows the seeds for the identity continuum thing later]
I'll start...
[space here for your own notes]
.
.
.
Who else is ready to go?
[Look round for someone who's ready to go; Then go round circle. Or in the case where there's 2 leaders, other leader can go next.]
- in a moment we'll get into groups of three
- feel free to accost people who you think you'd like to talk to
- if you're the last few people & you can't make a three, make a two, or two twos. Don't make a four, because if you're in a four, someone won't get their turn to talk.
Off you go. [take a hand if necessary.]
- I want to warn you now that these are quite juicy questions and we're not going to spend very long on each one. So it's likely that you'll just be getting into a question when we give you another one. So our recommendation is: treat the workshop as a catalyst and continue the interesting questions over lunch.
[This "future-pacing" is to head off frustration at the shortness of time.]
- Whenever we ask a question, we'll tell you how long you've each got to talk about it, and we'll call out "switch" when it's the next person's turn. Remember when it's someone else's turn you just listen to them.
1 minute each
[3 mins total.]
► Whether or not you identify as some variety of bi or bisexual, how do you think of your place in the bi community, or in relation to the bi community?
That could include whether you identify as bi or some similar word, or whether you're connected to the community in some other way;
it could include whether you're quite new to it all or whether you feel like a veteran;
it could include something about your friendships, or whether there's any kind of a bi community near where you live, or online spaces where you participate;
it could include more abstract ideas like whether you feel you're on the edge of the community, or in the middle of it, or in it only some of the time, or half in and half out, or whatever.
This is just thinking about bi communities. In a minute we'll do the same question just thinking about bdsm communities, and then look at similarities and differences and the overlap.
1 minute each
[3 mins total.]
► Whether or not you identify as some variety of bdsm-er or kinkster or leather person, how do you think of your place in that community, or in relation to that community?
Again, that could include your history, your friendships, physical or online spaces you've visited, or some kind of metaphor.
1 minute each
[3 mins total.]
Now we're inviting you to think about the overlap between these communities.
For some of us, this might be the first time we've ever really been in the space of the overlap. Or for some of us, we might have experienced bits of it before, like a bdsm-themed workshop at BiCon, or the old SM-bis group in London, or a kink community that was mostly bi people.
► What's your history in this kind of space? What's different about being in the overlap space, as compared to being in one community or the other?
1 minute each
[3 mins total.]
Now we're inviting you to compare and contrast your relationship with bi communities and your relationship with kink communities.
► Have you been in one of them longer than the other? Do you feel more at home in one than the other?
► What differences or similarities do you notice about your place in each of those communities?
► What can you notice by comparing them, or comparing how you feel in each of them?
1 minute each
[3 mins total.]
► How at home are you feeling here today so far, and why or why not? It may have gone up or down during the time that you've been here. What made you feel at home and what made you feel not at home?
1 minute each
[3 mins total.]
► What words would you use to describe or label yourself in the area of sexuality? Or if you dislike labelling yourself, then what words would you look out for to signal somewhere you might find like-minded people?
► And are you happy with those words, or are they compromise words for you, that you use because there isn't a better word or because they are the words that other people would understand?
1 minute each
[3 mins total.]
► Take an extra bonus minute each to talk about anything that's come up from all those questions.
- get pens & ordinary paper.
- When you've written on your piece of paper, we're going to stick them all on the wall and I'll read them out. So no-one has to be associated with their own one.
[this is partly so they know not to write anything they wouldn't want others to see, and also so they know not to write it in a notebook of their own instead.]
Here we have your starter sentences:
"I have the impression that most people here ______________
whereas I ______________"
"Before I came here today, I imagined that people there would be mostly _________________
and there wouldn't be many _____________ like me.
You don't have to use those, but those are starters.
[these words also visible on flip chart or whatever.]
This is about feeling like an odd one out or a minority or a misfit. And the point is more how it seems, not how it really is if you did a statistical survey, so that's why we're talking about "impressions" and "imagining".
It could be about demographics, like noticing you seem to be among the youngest or oldest. It could be what you imagine about other people's history, or their identities or preferences or social networks. It could be about feelings or emotions or states of mind, like those times when everyone else seems to be confident and you're feeling more cautious or anxious. Could be anything where you're thinking "There's not many here like me"
There could be some where you can be relatively sure you're right from people's appearance, and there could be some where you've really got no idea whether you're right in fact - but it feels that way.
Remember, you're welcome to rephrase the starter sentences.
[Writing time - they can talk as they write if they want to.]
[Everyone sticks them up on wall.]
[Session leader(s) read(s) them out, in a tone of voice implying "that's a good one", maybe a bit humorous, not adding significance or drama.]
[Text on ends of continuum display is:
Easy to come out as / discuss in bi/bdsm space
Hard to come out as / discuss in bi/bdsm space
]
Back into small groups.
This next exercise connects back to what we did in the first big circle.
1 minute each, then another 1 minute each
[6 mins total.]
► Aside from bi and kinky (if you identify as either of those), what are some of your other identities or circumstances, and how do you feel about that identity or circumstance when you're in this space? (Again, when we say "identity", we mean any word or label that you might use to describe yourself, or your history, or a community that you belong to.)
[By now they should already have (paper) labels to write on - check everyone has some.]
- Next we're going to make a big picture of all these identities on this continuum:
[Read out continuum end text. "at this end we have..."]
The basic idea is
- Take a couple of minutes to write down as many of your identities or circumstances as you like, each on a separate label.
Then when you're ready, you can come and stick them onto the paper, and the place where you put them will depend on how you feel about that particular label.
First some background:
- Note the wording: easy to
- A limitation of this exercise is that we've only got one continuum here, and there might be a different bi/bdsm space where your answers would be different. For instance you might feel comfortable talking about something within a particular friendship group and less comfortable here.
So for the sake of simplicity, we suggest taking this event as your example. But if that doesn't quite satisfy you, do what makes sense for you. Another possibility is you could put the same words on more than once in different places.
- Another apparent limitation is that you might not have all that much experience to base this on. You might be thinking "well how am I supposed to know? I've only just got here!"
But actually that's OK, because even if you only go by your feelings right now in this room, you can probably tell that there are some things you'd be happy to start talking about, and some things where you'd wait to know people better, or feel a bit cautious about how you'd be judged. And it's true that your ideas might change later, as you get more real life experience, but that's actually true for everyone.
- This brings us onto an interesting dynamic of this exercise.
- On the one hand, at first glance we're asking you to think about the space, or the community.
- On the other hand, we're talking about your personal feelings. And you might find that for one of your identities, you think that would be easy to talk about here, so you stick it up this end <<. But then you see that someone else has put the same one over there >> and you realise for them it's different.
Couple of practical points:
- We're going to leave this up on the wall till tea-time today. So if you think of one later, you can always pop back and add it. Also if there are any that you'd like to add but you have a concern about outing yourself, you can wait and do them when there's no-one about.
- You can add identities or circumstances that aren't currently true for you, as long as you have experienced them at some time. For example: if you've never identified as monogamous, then don't write down monogamous at all. But if you used to be monogamous and now you're not, you can still put up a sticker based on your memories of how that was.
[Set the amount of time for this according to how much time remains in the session. Minimum is perhaps 2 minutes, max more like 4 or 5. If short of time, tell them they can stick more stickers after the final go-round.]
If time, in small groups:
► Take (a minute/two minutes*) each to share anything you want to share about any of this.
* depending on remaining time - or skip if you need to be getting on to next bit
Then back into main circle. (About 8-10 mins before end, or longer if group is specially big.)
► One thing you'll carry on thinking about after this session is over.
If the session finishes early, invite people to stay if they want to put more labels up, or leave if they'd rather.
The end!
□ Pens assume some people will have one, but have some spares
□ Scrap paper, about A5 for writing "seemings"
□ Long strip of paper for spectrum
□ Sticky labels for spectrum
□ Blu-tack
□ Headings for spectrum - either print in advance or bring marker pen
□ Starter sentences for "seemings" - ditto